People say?

Two weeks ago, my grandfather was sent to the ER by his nursing home staff because he had fallen there. There they found that his kidneys had failed and surgery was suggested. But none of us, even the doctors, were confident that surgery was going to make anything better. We all felt he was too frail and delicate to go through an operation, and withstand all the risks and complications accompanying any surgery. Since there was nothing else the hospital could do, my grandfather was discharged with only painkillers and antibiotics now.

The twilight of his days has truly begun.

Already, he has no recollective memory, very little short term memory and he cannot walk nor support himself. He is also incontinent. Old age has turned my gentlemanly grandfather into somebody else we all, himself included, cannot recognise.

A part of my being is mourning the person he used to be.

--

I can't believe it's already September.

I resigned from active service in early June and gave a 2 month notice period, which was a month more than the requirements had stated as mandatory. My last day with them was 31 July 2012.

Although I had been contemplating my resignation since June 2011, it wasn't until certain events took place that I realised I could no longer stay.

Ever increasing work and supervisory loads, a miscarriage in December 2011 and two failed IUIs over the months of February, March and April brought me to realise that staying would prevent me from having the family I've always wanted.

Throughout my two final months, it was really hard to say goodbye to the things I had once worked so hard for. There were some days that I just felt so attached to the place.. the people.. everything.

Expectedly, some people made it very difficult. They would make comments to imply that I was ungrateful to their generousity and that I was wasting my 'talent' (to me it was just pure hard work). Some even said that the market outside was so bad I'd have problems finding a job that paid equally "well" (which is completely subjective, lol. I certainly do not think I was well paid ;) hahaa..). Some people made it difficult by directing their stony silence my way. Both were equally regrettable, but I had decided that they all had a choice and it was up to them to say or do what they chose to say or do.

I simply didn't want to give any reaction that would mar or distort the last memories I had of the place. In fact, the sole reason why I am finally writing down my thoughts is because I will probably forget if I didn't.

I guess the past months have taught me a lot about people. Everything is well and good when you present to them a positive and happy story. When they realise that they were too assumptive, and you present the truth, sometimes they take it the wrong way.(Again "wrong way" is probably subjective too, because again it implies that I also have my own expectations regarding the situation.)

For me I think after my studies in Australia, I became more receptive to the concept of free-choice. I suppose being receptive to the concept also holds me to be receptive to consequences of "free-choice" situations. One can't say, "It's up to you... You make the decision" and later be upset that the person exercised a choice opposite to what was expected. It's hypocrisy.

I guess this has helped me come to terms with most of the things people say. I realise that sometimes what I say out of goodwill also brings out the ugly side in people. It could be given as a well-meaning comment, but the person would think that I had other implications hidden in that comment. It's not uncommon these days, as people are becoming more and more cynical. They actually doubt that they are being genuinely complimented.

And I don't exactly blame them either. It really reflects on some form of insecurity and when it happens, I find myself seeing their past wounds re-surface, as people tend to become defensive in areas where they had once been hurt before.

Of course I am no saint - I get offended, upset, hurt, pissed, suspicious, just like everyone else and I don't claim to know any better than anyone else either. It's just that I think that if each person could see for themselves what this actually is - a viscious cycle, they could realise and try to find a way out of it.

Life is just too short to bear grudges.

I will move on by God's abounding grace. Since He has called me to close the door, I have. And whilst I was about to depend on His provision, He's already opened a new door unto me, even though at the time, I hadn't even begun looking for a new job.

I will begin work at my new position next Monday :)

- 11 September 2012 3:45pm -